Stupid Non-Southerners

I want to tell you a little story. It happened about ten years ago, in my hometown in Louisiana. My grandmother and grandfather were very vivacious people. They loved to go out on the town, dancing and dining. One particular place called the Liberty Theater was their favorite place to go on a Saturday. It staged a live show with comedians, music, dancing; everything they enjoyed. Though I'm sure many of you reading this have never heard of the Liberty Theater, it's actually quite well-known around the world, through word of mouth from people who have come to our humble town for vacation, visiting family, etc. My grandmother was constantly meeting new people there, from various places around the world. She loved it because she was thrilled with learning about other cultures. You could say she was a worldly, well-traveled woman. Well, this particular night she and grandpa ran into a couple from, of all places, Michigan. Not exactly the most exotic of places, since it's still in the U. S., but anyway. So, this lady, hearing my grandmother talking to another few couples, in various dialects, decides to ask my grandmother a question that will forever stick in my mind like so much barbed wire; "Is it true that people from Louisiana have webbed feet?"

Take a minute now, and try not to have an aneurysm thinking about that last statement. No, it wasn't a joke, and yes she really did ask that question. Grandma, being the sharp-witted person she was, had a pretty good visual and vocal response to her. Looking down at her sandaled feet, she wiggled her toes and said "No, do you?" Obviously, the woman didn't know what to say.

Let me break here to answer the question for anyone out there who really thought the woman's question was valid. No, we southern folk don't have webbed feet. We're humans, not ducks, or whatever that dumb ass woman thought we were.

So, for everyone else who knew we don't have webbed feet, you may be wondering "what's your point?" Well, my point is that every day I read weblogs, news reports, forum postings, etc., that labels all southern people in a very bad, stereotypical light, and frankly I'm tired of it. Of all the states in the union, Louisiana has to be looked upon as having the dumbest, backward people of them all. Is it true? Are we that backward? Well, we do know that unless you were born with a defect, no people have webbed feet. We also know that there's these things called books and the internet where we might look up such questionable things before we ask such stupid questions of others.

Don't get me wrong here. This is not a "stupid Yankees" rant. I don't think any less of northerners as I do of people from down where I live. We're all the same, and lead the same lives. It's just that it seems some people have this notion that we are all quite uneducated (I have a degree in computer science and have been teaching computer classes for an international training company for about eight years), that we live in less than civilized communities (our state capitol building is the largest in the U. S., and we have one of the first fully fiber optic city-wide initiatives in the country), and we all supposedly live in houseboats and eat forms of rodent. Ok, so we do consider alligator a delicacy, but it pales in comparison to the "yuck" factor of, say, escargo and caviar. Oh, and I don't live on the bayou on a houseboat. I'm not Bobby Boucher from The Waterboy. And for any of you who've seen that movie, there aren't anacondas in Louisiana. Wrong continent, morons.

For every time I here someone mispronounce the word "chere", to every use of "dubya" to refer to the President, it makes my blood boil. Most of the people who make such stupid statements have no idea of the history of the south, other than pointing to us and saying "stupid racists!" For the record, slavery was also legal in the north. Look that up in your Funk and Wagnalls. No, they don't know our French origins. They don't know the history of the Acadian's trek from Nova Scotia. You want to know why southern conservatives dislike France? They kicked us out of our own country. How's that for motive?

So, for all the idiots who look at our President and say "dumb southern hick", to those that believe the way Louisiana was portrayed in The Waterboy was accurate, I say "read a book and stop being so stupid." Now, I have some fried 'gator and crawfish etoufee to attend to.

The Evils of Cell Phones

I teach, not high school but computer classes for a franchised training company. In the front of all our classrooms, right next to the whiteboard, is a sign that reads "Please set phones and beepers to silent. If you have to take a call, please do so in the hallway." The sign is difficult to miss, and all one would have to do is look forward from their seated position to see it. Why, then, do I have to put with people who will leave their cell phone on, not on silent, and proceed to take calls in the middle of class as if I nor the other dozen or so people in the room exist? Usually I just stop in the middle of whatever I'm saying, stand there with my hands clasped behind me, and stare at them. Unfortunately for me and class, most of the people who do this to me are too stupid to realize I'm looking at them and to figure out why I'm staring at them. On one occasion there was a lady who even had the nerve to ask, after she hung up, why I had stopped teaching and to just "pretend I'm not here." What? They never found her body after that day...no, I'm just kidding. Maybe.

A few days ago (though it seems like it happens every day) I was almost run over by a lady who couldn't have been more than five feet tall, driving a four-wheeled land barge (that's a really big SUV for the dim-whitted out there) while talking on her phone. Her expression when I laid on my horn for her to get back into her lane? Nothing. That's right, she didn't even acknowledge my existence and apparently didn't even realize she was halfway in my lane. And for the record, she was to my right, using her left hand to hold the phone, and wasn't wearing a wedding ring. This leads me to assume she's not married and since she looked to be around my age (mid-20's) probably didn't have any children. So why did she need a fifteen foot long tug-mobile? That, my friends, is for another day.

This topic of the moment wouldn't be complete without mention of the absolute dumbest and annoying of all cell phone users: the movie theater cell-a-holic. The lights dim, the screen lights up, and one of the first things you see on the screen is a trailer advertising the concession stand, the no-smoking policy, and the "Please turn off your mobile phones and pagers" sign. Give it ten more seconds and the moron two rows back casually answers the phone that's been ringing in his pocket for the last half-hour, and talks, loudly. "Hey, dawg. Yeah, we at the movies. THE MOVIES! No, I hadn't talked to her since last night. She hella fine, though." And the conversation continues with total disregard for the fact that everyone else in the theater paid just as much as him for their ticket. And what can we do about Mr. Moron? Nothing apparently, since I saw a few days ago a news report on how some woman sued another woman for telling her to be quiet while she was talking on her phone during a movie. What the hell?

My point is, if you have the common sense to know how to dial a phone number, I'd think you'd have the brain cells to know when, or when not, to dial it. For anyone who reads this who has been that idiot in my class, the wood elf driving the SUV, or the jerk in the theater, do us all a favor and HANG UP THE FRIGGIN' PHONE! I will guarantee you, guarantee, that whomever you're talking to can and will be able to talk to you later. And if you don't hang up in these or other annoying situations, may your phone explode in your hands and a meteorite fall on your head. Stupid.

"Throw me somethin'....Stupid!"

A few nights ago my brother-in-law, who lives in New Orleans, and I were talking about Mardi Gras and the festivities that were to be taking place. We talked about the ball he and my sis-in-law were going to and about all the celebrities who were going to be there when he mentioned to me that there were people who were actually trying to boycott the New Orleans Mardi Gras and have it cancelled. "Say, what?" I asked. Why would anyone want to do that? Surely it was just rumor. Well, after a little research on my part I found out he was right as rain.

It turns out that a portion of the misplaced African-American New Orleans residents are upset that Mardi Gras is still being held, claiming that it will take away from the rebuilding efforts of the city. They believe that all money and effort should be put into rebuilding the city, and holding this celebration is somehow going to take away from that.

It seems to me that what these protestors think is that Mardi Gras is put on by the city government. I live in Louisiana, and I can tell you that that's not at all where the bulk of the money for Mardi Gras celebrations come from. Private citizens and companies pay for the festivities, not the government. Do you really think any part of the Louisiana government has the cash to put on the huge parties that go on this time every year? Not a chance. You think that Nagen pays the big celebs that come down every year to be crowned king/queen of various Mardi Gras balls? He, nor the city, is that wealthy. No, it's private citizens who foot the bill. Now don't get me wrong, most of those people only do it to get face time with celebs and flaunt their wealth, so it's not like they're really doing it "for the people", but it's still not government money being spent.

The crux of the issue is that without Mardi Gras, New Orleans wouldn't have had nearly the press and notoriety it had before Katrina. A very large chunk of the city's income came from Mardi Gras and tourism. What these people don't seem to realize is that continuing to hold these festivities brings more money into the city, offering more jobs than what they currently have, and that money ends up staying in the city to help with the reconstruction efforts. How in the world could having people from not just the U.S., but all over the world coming in and spending their money in the city be a bad thing? They want to rebuild, but if you don't have the money, how are you going to do it? Wouldn't bringing in all this seemingly overnight cash possibly be just the boost N.O. needs to get back on it's feet? It would seem that to some people the answer to all this is a resounding "NO".

How long will we have to put up with the stupidity of people who believe that the only way to pick up the pieces after something happens is to have the government throw free money at them and not try to pick themselves up through their own efforts. It's just like the people who didn't evacuate before the hurricane hit. They all wanted to blame the government when they weren't rescued ten minutes after the levees broke, even though they were told to evacuate before Katrina ever hit ground. Not to mention, it's not like Louisiana has never been hit with a hurricane before. If you live here, you know that when a storm like that comes you need to get the heck out. But, alas, victims would rather be victims and blame others instead of taking care of themselves. It's funny how after southwest Louisiana was hit by hurricane Rita, and entire towns were wiped off the map, nobody from that region cried foul with the government. And I guarantee they're not crying to call off Mardi Gras, either.

To the protestors and boycotters, stop getting stuck on stupid. It doesn't help anything.

Cheney's Got a Gun

Oh boy, where to start. Let me start by saying that this is not an "I hate Bush/Cheney" post. I'm not going to say that I love them, either. No one is perfect, yours truly included, but I just can't stand what some stupid people out there are saying in regards to the vice-president's hunting accident.

First off, it was an accident. If you listen to the news you'd swear that he tried to execute this poor guy. Of course, people like Letterman take the story and run for miles with it on his late show, but that's to be expected. He's not the news or a politician. But you only have to turn on the evening report to see how much animosity media-types show towards a man who didn't do anything illegal. The sheriffs on the scene even said that the incident was being treated as an accident, and that things like that happen all the time. As the son and grandson of avid hunters, I can attest to that. The only reason this whole thing is getting so much attention is because of who's involved.

Point number two, what makes this a national issue? At what point are the private lives of our leaders actually private? You see, I live in the real world. Not some fantasy place made by some author where everyone's lives are open to the public, and nobody has any privacy, especially with regards to political leaders. Do I care that Mr. Cheney shot someone? Kind of, but only to the point that I don't want these kinds of accidents to happen. I feel sorry for both parties involved. But at the same time, it's not something that directly affects my life or that of the nation. What political or social impact did this incident have on America? Even better, what impact has it had on national security? None. It's just that simple. But, oh my, since we didn't see the whole story right after it happened, you'd swear by the media that we'd all been lied to and that the sky was going to fall right on our heads. Stupid, with a capital S.

Let me put all this in perspective, from another political angle. At what point was President Clinton impeached for having an affair with an intern, and lying under oath? What was that? He wasn't removed from office? Surely if the vice-president doesn't report to the world a hunting accident right away and is called to step down from office by the media, the president would have been crucified for having an affair on the clock and then lying about it. No? Well, I wonder why that is...

My answer to all this hyped-up frenzy over the vice-president is quite simple, and based on the title of this blog will be very obvious. Stupidity is the reason for the season. Is the general public massed at the steps of the White House, demanding the V. P. explain himself? No, of course not. We folks with what's known as "common sense" don't need to resort to such things to amuse ourselves. We instead focus on more important things like taking care of our families and monitoring issues that really matter with regard to our nation, not like all the so-called "experts" who analyze everything to death. "But he shot a man!" Yes, and so do many hunters every year. That doesn't make it critical information, even if it involves the vice-president. Grow up CBS, NBC, CNN, etc. What's next? Impeachment for not reporting that the first lady stubbed her toe?